MacBeth (lolmac) wrote in bethinexile,

Twelve Angry Characters Walk Into a Bar

Actually, they aren't all angry, although several of them are definitely mad.

This meme has grown to ginormous length, so even though I still have one prompt I'm hoping to fill, I'm going to post a first set of answers now.

When I picked my characters, I deliberately limited the list to just a few fandoms -- mostly in hopes that most of my F-list will be reasonably familiar with them!  I filled in with characters taken from mythology, which I suppose you could call one of my most important fandoms.

The results got really weird.  So it must have worked.
The characters are:
1. MacGyver
2. the Tenth Doctor
3. Kokopelli
4. Jack O’Neill
5. the Fourth Doctor
6. House (from House, MD)
7. the Third Doctor
8. the Kraken
9. Teal’c
10. Spider Grandmother (Kóhk’ang Wuhti)
11. Murdoc
12. Taliesin

For those less familiar with the mythological characters:
Kokopelli is an Anasazi Trickster deity, a spirit of music, dance, and raw primal sexual force.
Spider Grandmother is a Hopi goddess, creator of mankind.  She usually appears as an old woman.
Taliesin is the archetypal master bard of ancient Cymru (Wales).
The Kraken is a giant squid.  I have no idea why I included him, um, it, but it certainly made things interesting!

The first set of questions and answers:

Spider Grandmother and the Tenth Doctor get stuck in a lift. What happens?
While the Doctor is nattering on at length about lift mechanics and aliens that affect gravity, Spider Grandmother will confuse him by apparently vanishing from the inside of the lift.  She’ll have turned herself into a spider and crawled through a crack to the outside of the lift.  Depending on whether the Doctor has annoyed or amused her, she’ll either spin a cable to lower the lift safely, or climb down on her own and leave him to rescue himself.

Where would Jack O’Neill take House on a date?
Jack would start them at a bar, and House would insist on going somewhere with strippers.  The date is platonic, so House tries to pick up one of the strippers.  He gets very annoyed when she’s more interested in Jack, who is not interested in her, and ends up having to pay extra (she charges House on the high end of the Asshole scale – partly out of disappointment, and partly because, well, he deserves it).

MacGyver and the Tenth Doctor are now buddy cops. Do they make a good team, and is this bad or good news for nearby criminals?
They make an excellent team, and it would be really bad news for the criminals, except that they’re too easily distracted by complex problems, intriguing gadgets, and deep ethical questions.

If the Third Doctor and Murdoc were a couple, how would they meet and would it work out?
They would meet when the Third Doctor inadvertently saved Murdoc from certain death from falling off a mountain in an attempt to kill MacGyver.  The relationship would be platonic and very short, since the Doctor will see through Murdoc’s attempts to play the innocent and/or trick the Doctor into helping Murdoc with his next murder attempt.

Taliesin, the Fourth Doctor and Spider Grandmother go on an epic road trip.  Where are they going, who drives, and who gets left behind at the first stop?
Neither Taliesin nor Spider Grandmother can drive, or even quite understand why this noisy, smelly contraption is preferable to a nice walk of several weeks.  After all, what’s the hurry?  Fortunately, the Fourth Doctor can drive, and has been seen to do so competently on more than one occasion.  This is probably in his first season, when he still has the Third Doctor’s collection of vehicles available.  They take Bessie, and Spider Grandmother makes new seat covers.

They’re clearly going on an important quest, at the behest of Spider Grandmother.  Since she isn’t native to Britain, she probably wanted to see what monsters and fearsome creatures were native to the new land, and the Doctor suggested she might want to see Scotsmen in their native habitat.

Taliesin probably hitched a lift with them to begin with, and is not really part of the quest.  The first time they stop – at a pub – he starts to play and sing for their supper and lodging.  (It’s what he does.)  He gets into a no-holds-barred poetry slam with the local rock band, and they’re still hard at it the next morning, when the Doctor and Spider Grandmother leave.  He doesn’t actually mind, since as a result, he eventually ends up on the talent show later on in this meme.

In a coffee-shop type AU with Jack O’Neill and the Tenth Doctor, what would their establishment be called?
They had a big fight over whether to name it ‘The High Grounds’ (the Doctor’s preference) or ‘No High Grounds’ (Jack’s).  They compromised:  the sign above the front door says the former on the outside, so you see it when you enter, and the latter on the inside, so you see it as you leave.  Inside, both names are used at random.

What would the title be for a romance novel/film featuring Murdoc and Kokopelli?
“Trick or Treat”.  It would involve multiple murder attempts by Murdoc, hilariously foiled by Kokopelli, who is in a prankish mood.

If forced to choose, would you rather have an evening out with Taliesin or Teal’c?
Hmmm.  I’d rather have the night out with Teal’c, but have Taliesin provide the entertainment.

What’s your favourite pairing (romantic or otherwise) for MacGyver?
MacGyver/Lady Scientist of the Week.

If you had to write a crossover involving the Kraken and the Tenth Doctor, how would it go and/or what would the crossover fandom be?
That’s not a crossover fic, that’s an actual episode!

Teal’c, Taliesin, Kokopelli and House are on a talent show. Who wins?
Taliesin should have won!  I mean, he’s the master bard of Wales, right?  Except that Kokopelli identified him as the biggest threat, and tied his bootlaces together.

Kokopelli figured he had it nailed after that – what with the flute-playing and the erotic energy projection, etc.  He didn’t actually care about winning the talent show, but he was really looking forward to the audience getting into the inevitable spontaneous orgy.

None of them anticipated Teal’c’s ploy.

Teal’c doesn’t exactly have much musical talent.  But Teal’c knows more about group dynamics and command than people think.  And people forget that he’s a lot sneakier than he seems.  Nobody expected that he would get hold of the performance list and swap things around.

So House went first on the new line-up.  When Kokopelli heard the fantastic jazz piano, he couldn’t resist – he’s never been any good at long-term rewards vs. short-term – and there he was, out on stage, improvising like mad, with all that seductive erotic energy getting a jazz spin on it.  Taliesin couldn’t resist that, and there he was on stage with them both with his harp, kicking off the boots with their knotted laces with no more than a moment’s distraction.

The impromptu trio melted every panty in the room, and would’ve been banned from the airwaves except that the studio techs and execs started doing it in the booth and the boardroom, and everyone watching at home was too busy shagging to call and complain to the FCC.  Except for their kids, who were too absorbed in listening to the really cool music to even notice that their parents had disappeared into their bedrooms leaving a trail of shed clothing.  Because Kokopelli is a god of healthy adult sexuality, not shattered innocence, or shaming, or pedophilia.

The judges never actually decided who won.  But if that smug satisfied look on Teal’c’s face is anything to go by, he definitely got plenty of what he wanted.  Also, he didn’t have break up the battle royal that would have occurred on stage if he hadn’t gotten the other three to form a band.

They’ve been signed to a label, of course, but the resulting album will probably be banned in several states.

Suggest a title for a the Third Doctor/Taliesin hurt/comfort fic.

Can you rec any fics about Teal’c? (full disclosure:  one of these is my own)
How Teal’c Discovered Makeup
For All Your Beauty Needs
H is for Humour

What might Spider Grandmother scream at a moment of great passion?
She’s a goddess who created the human race, so I suppose she could scream “Oh MeohmeohmeohmeOHMEEEEE!!”

If you wrote a MacGyver/House/Taliesin fic, what would the warnings be?
‘this makes no sense’
‘author on drugs’
‘excessive use of Welsh’

What is House’s super-sekrit kink?
His LTR as Wilson’s bottom.

Randomise a song by your preferred means (shuffle your iPod/MPplayer/iTunes/the internet). Pick out the line that best fits the Third Doctor.
I pulled up Pandora and ended up with “The Water Song” by the Incredible String Band, and picked this line:
"Wizard of changes, teach me the lesson of flowing"

What would the Fourth Doctor hate most about the Third Doctor? And what would Jack O’Neill love most about the Fourth Doctor?
The Fourth Doctor hates the Third’s fussy dress sense, his grandiosity, and his nose.  (Actually, he doesn’t hate the nose, but he loves the rise he gets when he talks about it.)

Jack O’Neill loves the Fourth Doctor’s unpredictability and his complete disregard for any authority other than himself.  He will love this rather less when he finds out a) it’s not an act, and b) Jack’s authority is just as completely disregarded as any other.

Aliens try to make the Third Doctor, the Kraken and Kokopelli do it. Do they have any luck?
Are you kidding?  The Third Doctor refused to get involved in anything so ridiculous and undignified, but Kokopelli and the Kraken had a great time.  Afterwards, the Doctor told Kokopelli to drop by in about seven lifetimes, so he could introduce him to Jack Harkness.

Not surprisingly, it turned out Kokopelli already knew Captain Jack.  Still, it was a nice thought.

~ to be concluded ~
Tags: crack, doctor who, fic, macgyver, memery, mythology, stargate
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