MacBeth (lolmac) wrote in bethinexile,

Twelve Amnesiac Characters Forget to Walk Into a Bar

Welp, I actually did finish the 12 characters meme, and never had the energy to get the last section posted, what with holidays and bustle and bright stars going out in the sky.

1. MacGyver
2. the Tenth Doctor
3. Kokopelli
4. Jack O’Neill
5. the Fourth Doctor
6. House (from House, MD)
7. the Third Doctor
8. the Kraken
9. Teal’c
10. Spider Grandmother (Kóhk’ang Wuhti)
11. Murdoc
12. Taliesin

Answers, Part One
Answers, Part Two

At long last, Part Three:

Idlewild: The Kraken (secretly controlled by Jack O'Neill), another Kraken (secretly controlled by the Fourth Doctor) and MacGyver are competing against each other, and the stakes are either perilously high or ridiculously low. Either way, competition is fierce.

It’s MacGyver, so this must be a hockey match.  Mac has had some unusual experiences, but trying to beat a giant squid at hockey is definitely up there.  He’s pretty sure this is another one of those really, really weird dreams.

Jack thinks the stakes are ridiculously low.  He’s controlling the Kraken with an Ancient device, unknown to Mac (who just thinks he’s playing hockey against a squid, although the squid does seem to know the rules surprisingly well for a mythological cephalopod).  Jack didn’t even know the Ancient device worked like this, but hey, it’s fun and he likes messing with it, especially since he cherishes that weirded-out expression on MacGyver’s face.

The Fourth Doctor knows that the stakes are actually perilously high.  Neither of the humans realizes that the puck is a dangerous macguffin.  The sudden increase in the local population of mythological cephalopods should have been a clue, but Jack’s too used to high levels of weirdness, and Mac thinks he’s having a crazy dream.  The Doctor knows that he must retrieve the puck and dispose of it safely, so he cobbles together a device similar to the one Jack is using, takes control of the second Kraken (which has only just arrived, summoned by the macguffin), and suddenly the hockey match has three sides.

The new Kraken doesn’t seem to know any of the rules (or care), so the match is over quickly.  It steals the puck and skedaddles.  Jack’s Kraken takes advantage of the confusion to escape, because it thinks the whole hockey match was unsuitable behaviour for a terrifying mythological creature, and it didn’t like the itchy feeling the macguffin gave it.

MacGyver finds himself suddenly alone on the ice (which is a frozen mountain lake in Colorado).  Jack finally takes pity on him, pops up and admits it was a prank, puts on his own skates, and they finish the match in a more normal fashion.  Mac wins.

Sid:  The Tenth Doctor and Spider Grandmother are both in love with House.  Who wins this romantic battle ... or does House have his heart set on MacGyver? [yes, this specific prompt fill is the main reason why I just couldn't get Part Three posted for so long :'( ]

I don’t think House would care much for MacGyver; they’re too far apart on the whole compassion-for-humanity thing.  And House is likely to regard Spider Grandmother as a bit too old for him, not to mention unimpressed with House’s brilliance (which is a true deal-killer).  He’d be fascinated with her ability to turn into a spider, though.  Now that’s an interesting medical condition.

I can see House finding the Doctor intriguing on a more . . . personal level, though.  Although I may be projecting a bit!  Perhaps they bond when a patient shows up at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital suffering from a truly baffling case of Galloping Special-Effectitis.

wabbit:  The Kraken and Taliesin have a snowball fight.

Taliesin sure is getting around!  He probably decided, after leaving House’s place [see previous prompt fills], that all this modern civilization was clearly a bad idea, and headed for the seashore in hopes of finding a way home.  The Kraken, meanwhile, escaped from the control of Jack O’Neill after the hockey game and headed for the ocean to recover from the whole experience.

When Taliesin appears, the Kraken tries to throttle him, but is tamed with a few notes on the harp.  Since this Kraken has recently been exposed to the joys of casual winter sports, they end up having a snowball fight.  The Kraken wins; Taliesin isn’t actually very good at throwing, and he only has two arms.  He’s much better at making the snowballs, though, because fingers are better at this than tentacles.

John Elliott:  Teal’c and House are treasure hunting.  Do they successfully follow the map, and how are they at fairly sharing the treasure?  And what do they do about Jack O’Neill, who is hunting them?

House takes one quick look at the map and tosses it aside, explaining with irritated impatience that it’s obvious just what the mapmaker was doing to try to fool anyone who attempted to follow it, and that if you follow it like that it will land you in the wrong place and you’ll look like the total moron you obviously are.

He’s right, of course, and anyone but Teal’c would get pissed off about that, and even more pissed off when House insists that he gets most of the treasure, since they never would have found it at all without him.

House behaves very badly through the whole day of treasure-hunting, largely because no matter what he says, he can’t get a rise out of Teal’c.  He just gets stoic silence, broken by occasional noncommittal monosyllables, all of which make him increasingly aware that he’s dealing with someone who can see right through him and is no more impressed than Spider Grandmother was.

Teal’c spends his entire day putting up with this crap, and is occasionally amused.  Mostly, he’s wondering why Jack is shadowing them.  He knew it the moment Jack turned up, of course.  He takes it for granted that O’Neill has a good reason for tailing them, and an equally good reason for not telling Teal’c or joining them openly.

Eventually, they find the treasure, which is something quite ordinary from Teal’c’s point of view – it’s just money, and recent currency at that.  No archeological significance at all, so nothing to tell Daniel about.  Jack finally reveals himself once the nature of the treasure is fully understood.  He was worried that the treasure was going to be offworld technology, possibly even Goa’uld gadgets – based on the epic levels of House’s obnoxious arrogance, Jack was worried that he was actually a Goa’uld.

Once all that’s sorted out, Jack claims a full half-share of the treasure on Teal’c’s behalf, and House is not able to bully him out of it.

Make up a summary for an apocalyptic fic featuring House and the Fourth Doctor.
Any fic in which House tries to out-argue the Doctor is going to verge on the apocalyptic.

What would happen if Taliesin got the Tenth Doctor pregnant?
The Time Lords would be fighting the tabloids for exclusive coverage.

If Kokopelli and the Third Doctor get together, who tops?
Nobody tops the Third Doctor.  Not even an ancient god of sexual ecstacy.

How would you feel if Third Doctor/Tenth Doctor was canon?
I’d feel that it was time for a new show runner/executive producer.

What might be a good pick-up line for Spider Grandmother to use on the Kraken?
Heavy-duty fishing line, obviously.

Write a snippet from a Spider Grandmother, Jack O’Neill and MacGyver pirate AU. (‘Snippet’ here meaning ‘as brief as you like’.)

This was the prompt that kept stumping me!  I just wasn’t having any luck with it, but it really, really needed me to do something with it.  So, finally, I decided to throw everyone into the prompt and go from there.

Spider Grandmother is the Pirate Queen, obviously.

Usually, Jack O’Neill and Teal’c each command a ship in her pirate fleet, but for this Very Important Adventure, they’re both on board the flagship Kokopelli.  They’re all hunting the Kraken.  During a recent visit to a Welsh port, they heard Taliesin singing and telling fantastic stories at the home of the local lord.  One of the stories involved a Fabulous Treasure, guarded by the Kraken, so they’re off after it.  (They might have been a bit less eager if they had stayed to listen to the rest of the story, which involved a snowball fight.)

MacGyver and Murdoc are both in the crew.  In this AU, they’re brothers, and are constantly and hilariously at odds.  (Neither of them finds it hilarious, but everyone else does.)  They’re also the only truly competent seamen on board.

The Third, Fourth and Tenth Doctors show up in a dory, in the middle of the ocean, and are picked up by the Kokopelli.  House is also on board the dory, the victim of a truly hilariously incomprehensible bit of timey-wimey grammatical confusion.  He’s very cranky about it, especially since the other three Doctors aren’t really doctors at all, and even more because none of them will pay the least attention to him.  He’s also not sure why they’re making a big deal about a hockey puck.

The whole thing ends when Mac wakes up.

“Mac, wake up!  You’re thrashing around and yelling!”

“Jack?  Whu?  I had this really crazy dream – we were on a pirate ship.  Man, Murdoc was there.  He kept falling from the crow’s nest and getting caught in the shrouds.”

“Mac, I really don’t want to hear about another one of your damned dreams.”

“But you were in it, too.  Wait a minute – you were in it from the start.  We were playing hockey against these giant squids – ”

“No, no, no, geez!  The hockey game wasn’t a dream.  The pirate ship was a dream.  For cryin’ out loud, Mac, get a grip!”

~ fin at last ~
Tags: crack, doctor who, macgyver, memery, mythology, prompts, stargate
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